Close To Our Hearts
by syriala
Summary: When Bucky and Tony first got together Tony's insecurities made them keep it to themselves. Tony hadn't predicted that it would backfire like that.


Tony and Bucky had been dancing around this thing between them for almost three months before it dawned upon Tony that maybe there were past the dancing. He had that particular revelation while they were sitting in Tony's favourite restaurant, soft music playing in the background and candles painting everything in a warm gold.

The thought that this might be a date, their date, filled Tony with trepidation as much as with joy. Something must have shown on his face because Bucky looked questioningly at him.

"What's going on in your head?" he asked Tony who was aware that he probably looked like a deer in headlights.

"Is this a date?" he pressed out and fiddled with his fingers.

"It can be, if you want that," Bucky said and leaned back in his chair. "I definitely want it to be," he continued when Tony had an internal freak out. "But if you're not comfortable with that, then this is just a dinner between friends."

"I'm not good with this," Tony mumbled into his food, instead of giving Bucky an answer.

"With what? Dinner between friends? Because so far, you're doing well," Bucky told him with a smile and Tony shook his head.

"The relationship thing. You know that. It's been over the news."

"It's also been over the news that Steve and Natasha are banging and that Clint is actually a mutant, no matter how often he claims to not have the gene."

Tony wanted to protest, because sometimes the news did get some things right, but Bucky was faster.

"Yes, I know you're not great with relationships, but that's because I've been living with you, and to be quite honest, you also have problems with friendships, so I figured it would also extend to relationships."

"But Pepper…"

"Was quite adamant that the breakup wasn't your fault. She made sure we all knew it was as much of her fault as it was yours. So don't say anything in that direction now."

"You haven't seen me at my worst," Tony softly said and Bucky sighed.

"No, I guess I haven't. But I have seen you in your self destruction mode, on a work binge, trying to sacrifice yourself and hiding your injuries. I guess those are already pretty bad and yet you haven't seen me running."

Tony kept his gaze on his food, listlessly pushing around some noodles.

"Hey," Bucky beckoned him and Tony reluctantly looked up. "All I can focus on right now, is that you're not telling me that this is just a dinner between friends."

He said it without a demand, giving Tony the chance to sort his feelings out.

And it wasn't all that hard, Tony was pretty much certain he was in love with Bucky, but instead of saying that he said "I'm not good with relationships."

"That's still not a 'no'," Bucky softly said.

"No, it's not," Tony admitted.

"What keeps you from saying yes?" Bucky asked and Tony looked back down at his food.

"The team is gonna hate this," Tony mumbled, more to himself than to Bucky, but of course he heard it.

"The team is not a part of this," Bucky told him. "They don't matter in this."

"Can we keep it…" Tony started but then he trailed off. It wasn't fair to ask that of Bucky.

Bucky obviously had different plans because he asked "Can we what, Tony?"

Tony just shook his head but Bucky reached for his hand. "Hey," he softly said. "If this is to work, we have to be honest and communicate with each other. So tell me."

Tony nodded at that because it sounded reasonable enough and then he said "Can we keep it secret for a bit?" He looked up at Bucky, a bit hesitant to see his reaction to that, but Bucky smiled brightly at him.

"Of course we can. It's a great idea actually. Gives us time to just enjoy this and get used to it."

It wasn't what Tony had been expecting and so he simply stared at Bucky.

"So is that a yes to the date?" Bucky eventually asked, when Tony couldn't bring himself to look away from Bucky's happy expression.

"Yes, it is," Tony told him and Bucky immediately took his hand and pressed a kiss to his knuckles.

"Great," he said and then dug into his food like this was the most normal thing.

This whole evening proceeded to be a constant surprise for Tony. Bucky was attentive as always, not changing his way one bit, and if they hadn't spoken about it, this could still be just a dinner between friends.

But when they were done, Bucky insisted on paying for the meal and when they got up, he briefly took Tony's hand and smiled sweetly at him. Bucky stayed close to him the whole way to the car and when they were finally seated he didn't miss a second to take Tony's hand again.

"This is okay, right?" he even asked Tony who just nodded, because this was more than okay.

When they came back to the tower, Bucky stayed close again, but he was also giving the impression that this had just been a normal evening for them.

They came up to Tony's floor and Tony was half expecting Bucky to do something now, maybe to kiss him passionately, maybe to ask if he could come inside, but Bucky just took his hands in his and then said "I had a lovely evening, Tony."

He punctuated his words with yet another kiss to Tony's knuckles and Tony felt his knees go a bit weak.

When Bucky looked up at him again he was smiling softly. "Is it okay if I kiss you?" he asked and Tony was at a loss for words, because no one had ever asked him that.

"Of course it is," he breathed eventually and Bucky carefully leaned in, cradling Tony's face in his hands and giving him the sweetest kiss, just a slight press of their lips.

"I hope we can do this again," Bucky said, once he took a step back and Tony nodded.

"I can cook for you," he blurted out and mentally slapped himself. He hadn't cooked for anyone in years, the last attempt had been Pepper and the ruined omelet, but he found he really wanted to do this for Bucky.

"I would like that," Bucky softly said and then pressed another kiss to Tony's temple. "It's another date."

"Yes, it is," Tony said, still a bit surprised at this, and then he smiled at Bucky. "Good night, Bucky."

"Good night, Tony," Bucky said, voice still soft and eyes full of an emotion Tony didn't dare to name.

It went on like this. Bucky never slipped up in front of the others, but whenever he was alone with Tony, he was always seeking contact and constantly kissing Tony wherever he could reach.

Tony hadn't felt that loved in a long time.

They mostly didn't even go out anymore, both wanting to be able to touch the other, but when Tony brought it up again, saying that they maybe should tell everyone so they could do this like any normal couple, Bucky shook his head.

"It's alright, love," he said and tucked Tony closer. "I enjoy this. Not being given shovel talks and every eye on us. It gives us time to really enjoy this, before the scrutiny starts. And if we tell the team they will insist that we come to team things every time and I rather enjoy being with you alone."

"I enjoy that too," Tony breathed and then snuggled closer to Bucky. "But what do you mean shovel talks? I'm the one getting them, once this is out. Everyone will threaten to break my neck if I hurt you."

"Nonsense," Bucky said with determination but then he thought for a second. "I bet they will threaten both of us, actually."

Tony chuckled at that thought. He hadn't really contemplated it, but Bruce and Natasha were his friends as well, he could see them giving the shovel talk to Bucky, after they were done with Tony. Steve would probably be the meanest one, he and Tony still were on unstable ground after everything, and Bucky was his oldest friend after all.

So they kept their relationship hidden, Jarvis a ready conspirator and warning them before someone could walk in on them, and Tony felt happy.

He and Bucky really got to know each other in the privacy of their floors, not even having sex yet, but cuddling and making out and some necking as well as talking and just generally being with each other.

With time Tony grew more confident in their relationship, reaching out for Bucky instead of waiting for him to reach for Tony without even noticing and one evening Bucky brought it up.

"I'm glad we kept it a secret," Bucky told Tony while they were making dinner together.

"Why's that?" Tony asked, not looking away from the salad he was preparing.

"You're so much more comfortable with this now. I don't know if that would have happened if we immediately told everyone."

"What do you mean, I'm more comfortable?"

"Those first few weeks…you looked a bit spooked, actually. Like this was something that would be snatched away from you at any second, or that it wasn't even real."

"I…don't have a good track record with happy, functioning and healthy relationships," Tony muttered towards the tomatoes and Bucky came up behind him, plastering himself against his back.

"I know. But that's what I mean. That changed. You look so happy now, Tony, and you don't stare in surprise at me whenever I kiss you somewhere other than your mouth. You even initiate things now. You didn't do that before, not at first. And I love those changes. And I love you."

Tony turned around, facing Bucky while his arms fell to Bucky's hips. "I love you, too," he whispered and leaned up to kiss Bucky softly. "And I feel comfortable with you. Safe. Secure."

Bucky nodded. "It shows. And I don't think we would be here if the whole team already knew. So that was good thinking on your part," Bucky said and then nibbled at Tony's chin.

Tony shivered in Bucky's arms and then admitted "It was just me being scared."

"And that is alright. Are you still scared?" Bucky asked him and Tony vehemently shook his head.

"No. Not any longer." He hesitated a second. "Do you want to make it public now?" he asked, still filled with dread at that thought, because it would disrupt their routine. And he rather liked their routine.

"No," Bucky said and caught Tony off guard with that. "I like what we have here. Making it public would change things. And I know that we eventually have to do that, but not now. I love what we have. And they don't have a right to know about our relationship anyway. So let's wait a little bit longer."

Tony nodded enthusiastically at that and they forgot their dinner for a few minutes, trading kisses.

Of course their luck couldn't hold forever. They managed four sneaky months before a reporter caught them on one of their rare nights outside. A blurry picture of them kissing was all over the news the next morning.

Bucky was called into SHIELD not an hour later and he only left Tony after he reassured him that he would be fine. The reporters couldn't get into the tower, his PA was handling every request for a statement and when Bucky came back they would still have enough time to figure out what to tell the public.

What Tony hadn't counted on, was the team.

When he entered the common floor, prepared to get a lot of teasing, only Steve was there and he didn't look happy.

Tony approached the kitchen, getting himself a cup of coffee, before he turned to Steve. "Okay, lay it on me."

Steve took a deep breath before he asked "How long?"

Tony shrugged and avoided Steve's eyes. "Four months? Give or take a few days."

"You kept this a secret for four months?" Steve asked incredulously and Tony shrugged again.

"Yes?"

"Was that your idea?" Steve asked him and Tony frowned.

"I don't know…"

"Did you want to keep it a secret?" Steve clarified and Tony carefully nodded.

"Yeah, but…"

"How could you do that to him?" Steve angrily asked him and now Tony was really confused.

"Do what to him?"

"Make him keep another secret? Make him feel like he needs to be ashamed of this?"

"That wasn't…" Tony wanted to protest but Steve didn't let him finish.

"I didn't even know he was gay. He didn't even tell me, and you asked him to keep it quiet!"

Tony took a step back. He hadn't thought that Steve would be so personally offended by that but he could see how it would hurt Steve. Bucky was his best friend after all. And Tony had made sure that Bucky hid a huge part of his life from him.

"I didn't tell Rhodey either," Tony weakly said but Steve shook his head.

"But he knows you're bi. This is different. Natasha kept setting him up with dates and he always looked so…God, it all makes sense now."

"What makes sense now?" Tony asked, not sure if he really wanted to know.

"He seemed so pained, every time she suggested someone new. Of course he would, if he had to keep your secret."

"It wasn't just my secret, Cap," Tony said as coldly as he could manage but Steve didn't buy it.

"Oh yeah? Does he know it's okay now? Does he know he doesn't have to hide his relationship? Because I'm thinking he doesn't and you did nothing to help with that."

"Bucky knows all about gay movements. God, he was here when they announced that gay marriage was legal in all fifty states. You actually think he doesn't know."

"Well, given how easily he went along with your suggestion, I'm guessing he doesn't."

"You know nothing about our relationship," Tony spit out and Steve bristled.

"And whose fault is that?" Steve snapped.

Tony wanted to explain to him exactly how it was not his fault, but found he couldn't. He couldn't even manage to bring out a word, because it was his fault, wasn't it. He had asked to keep it quiet, he had made sure that he would never touch Bucky as something other as a friend, even darted away in the beginning when he thought Bucky would forget himself when the team was around, and Steve knew Bucky better than anyone else. If he thought Bucky kept it hidden because he might feel ashamed, _because Tony made him feel ashamed of this_ , there must be at least a grain of truth to that.

Tony staggered back until his back hit the counter and whatever Steve saw on his face must speak volumes to him.

"I thought so. Did you even think about telling us someday?"

"Yes, we talked about that but we…"

"We, or you, Tony?"

Tony wanted to believe that it wasn't just him who had wanted it to be a secret for a little bit longer, but what if he unconsciously pushed Bucky into that direction? Bucky liked to make Tony happy and what if this was just one of these things; something Bucky did just for him and not because he wanted to?

"That is enough," Bucky suddenly said and then he was at Tony's side, Natasha stepping into the room as well.

"Bucky," Steve started but Bucky shook his head at him.

"Don't you dare say another word, Steve. It's fine that you feel hurt that I didn't tell you, I get that, but don't you dare take it out on Tony. It's not his fault and it's really none of your business why we kept it quiet."

"But if you did it because you're ashamed…" Steve started and Bucky interrupted him yet again.

"I am not ashamed. Who would be ashamed of someone as amazing as Tony? There were different reasons to keep it on the low, reasons you have no right to hear and I don't want to hear another word."

Natasha had been quiet the whole time but now she spoke up as well. "I'm happy for you, I really am, but you should have at least told the team. We need to know things like that. It changes the dynamic."

"Oh, really, Natasha?" Bucky drawled, obviously about to argue, but Tony could see that she was right. He had endangered the team with his decision and it could have backfired badly on them.

"Please tell me, how did the dynamic change in the last four months? Did you notice something? Because I sure as hell didn't behave differently. And neither did Tony."

Natasha nodded her head at that, giving Bucky at least that much, but she didn't let it rest completely. "There were no major missions. We need to know stuff like that. I'm not angry at you, really not, I can see that you have a good thing there, but you should have told us. Not immediately but sooner. And on your own free will," she said with a side glance to Steve.

"We weren't ready. We would have told you, but we weren't ready," Bucky said and Natasha nodded in understanding but Steve didn't seem convinced.

"You or him, Buck?" he lowly asked and Tony unconsciously tried to get away from Bucky, trying to hide. He didn't want to hear that he had pressured Bucky into something but Bucky had his arm around his middle and didn't let him get away. He even pressed him closer to his side.

"We, Steve. It was a mutual decision. And you have no right to question how we handle our relationship. You are not part of it. And if you would excuse me now. I have to undo the damage you did," Bucky practically hissed at Steve and then dragged Tony along when he left the kitchen.

When they passed by Natasha she gently reached for Tony's wrist and stopped them.

"I'm happy for you," she told them and kissed Tony's temple. "Go take care of him," she then said to Bucky who nodded at her before he got Tony out of the kitchen.

He kept Tony close to his side, but he wasn't saying anything and Tony didn't know what to think about that.

When they entered Tony's floor, Bucky walked him straight into their bedroom and then proceeded to take Tony to bed.

He tucked Tony close, rested his head on the top of Tony's and then stroke his back. Tony just let it happen, unsure what was coming now.

"He is wrong," Bucky eventually told him, voice firm and sure and Tony tensed.

"He's not," he breathed into Tony's neck.

"He is. He has no right to accuse you like that."

"But he was right," Tony said again. "I forced you to keep it a secret, forced you to keep it from your best friend and he has every right to be angry about that."

"You didn't force me to do anything, Tony," Bucky vehemently told him. "You asked me to do that, and I gladly agreed. If you would please remember that every time you recently asked to come clean about this, I was the one who said no. I didn't want their noses in this."

Tony let out a shuddering breath against Bucky's neck and Bucky pulled him closer.

"Yeah, being out in the open with you would have been great. I could have shown you off and doted on you on dates, but this was so much better. I got to keep you all to myself, got to see you open up to me, without them being nosy about it. And that's so much better than anything else."

"You don't have to lie," Tony mumbled into his skin and now Bucky pushed him far enough away to look Tony in the eyes.

"I am not lying. I enjoyed every moment with you I had to myself and I would do it again. I would not go on that particular date, but I would do everything like this again."

Bucky was keeping his face in place but Tony couldn't look away, being captivated by Bucky's eyes and his sincerity.

"You really mean that," he breathed after a few moments and Bucky nodded.

"Of course I do." He shrugged. "Natasha might have a point, _might,_ but I don't think we endangered the team. And I told you before, they don't have a right to interfere in our relationship. It's ours and why we wanted to keep it that way is our thing. Steve is just hurt because I didn't immediately came gossiping to him and he took it out on you." Bucky kissed his forehead. "He was wrong to do so, and he will get a piece of my mind later."

"You can tell him now," Tony said and finally lowered his gaze. "It's alright."

"No, it's not. He can stew in his damn guilt for a bit. Right now, it's more important that I cuddle the hell out of you."

Tony chuckled weakly at that and then buried his face in Bucky's neck again. "I like that," he said and Bucky kissed the top of his head.

"I thought so. And tomorrow, we'll officially tell the team and then handle the public. But this evening is only ours."

Tony didn't know how he got so lucky with Bucky but he was not about to question it. He would keep Bucky as long as he could.


End file.
